9/15/17

Dexter Shoes, 1970 - That's funky?

Yeah! Groovy! The Seventies! Everybody's getting funky! What's that mean? Who cares? Maybe we can use it to sell our very ordinary looking shoes? Yeah! Funkytime! You know! Frank Zappa! Freedom! Rebellion! Flared trousers! Shoes your banker might wear! Lazy marketing!


This ad was scanned from the November, 1970 issue of Esquire Magazine, the journal of the well-heeled American douchebag. And, in 1970, the fancy prick-about-town was interested in appearing "down with the movement". As any hyper-groovy member of the counter-culture would tell you, the supreme arbiter of truly funky togs is the advertising manager of Esquire, Inc.

So, uuh, these shoes are "funky" - at least they are on the Dexter scale, which is a measurement of  a shoe's funkiness measuring anywhere from zero to zero and a half. On the Dexter scale of funkiness, they're burying the needle. But that's what marketing does. Take whatever the latest fad is, stick it on your product and pretend you're "with it".

You want to see funky shoes? Look no further than Bootsy Collins, bass player for Parliament Funkadelic. Dexter, take notes. if you're going to invoke the name of funk, you'd better have your shoe-shaped house in order.
Boom. Funk complete.
Let's re-do the Dexter ad with more appropriate images, as befits the Dexter scale of funkiness. Phil Are GO! Graphic Blandishment and Photoshoppery Brigade, give up the funk, because weeee love the funk!

Yeah, man! Fun-keeee! By Dexter! Whoa, bay-beh.




9/14/17

Maritime Disaster Songbook


9/13/17

The arm hose box test.



Joke #1 - Test one, session forty-three. Sexual attraction detector still seems to be non-functional. Will try re-attaching sensor with wires reversed to see if result changes.

Joke #2 - It always made Sandra feel good to stop by the Red Cross to donate a box of blood.

Joke #3 - Winston's card tricks were getting tediously complicated.

Joke #4 - "Nope. It's the two of clubs. Looks like we draw another pint. Jeez, you're getting bad at this."

Joke #5 - Magic, The Gathering did not start out as such a simple game.

Joke #6 - "I see your pint and raise you a teaspoon."

Joke #7 - "Wups! I sneezed in the box. I'll have to throw this one out, too. I hope you've got another pint in you. I really need a better way of storing blood, huh?"

Joke #8 - "That's strange. These readings indicate you're annoyed and want to go home."

Joke #9 - "Egad! Sandra! It says you're a jazz lover! Say it's not so!"

Joke #10 - Of course, Mrs. Schrodinger's blood wouldn't actually be of one type or another until the box was opened...

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.   -Mgmt.]

9/12/17

The Engine


Get the shirt? Get the shirt!


9/8/17

Head Check

Joke #1 - The worst part was not getting an earbud stuck in his head. It was the fear that, when the doctor extracted it, it might still be playing the Howard the Duck soundtrack album.

Joke #2 - "Wow. Crazy night, huh, private? Well, it looks like this isn't a temporary tattoo. It's the permanent kind. But look on the bright side. Maybe The Captain and Tenille will be big again soon?"

Joke #3 - "Okay, I'll need to probe around a little in your brain. Tell you what. Start going 'duuuuh' repeatedly, and if you suddenly stop, I'll know I need to back off, okay?"

Joke #4 - "Yep. Your ears look good. Hey, do you mind if I look a little deeper in there for a second? I'm looking for Sarah Connor."

Joke #5 - August, 1955. The first federally-funded pierced ear creates an uproar in the armed forces.

Joke #6 - "Jeez, Private. You can't just let every magic leprechaun you come across do whatever he wants. You know, I think your head might be pregnant. Also, there's no such thing as leprechauns, idiot."